Ready and waiting.....

So of course, crazy me - let's start off with a picture. I decided to take my classroom neighbor's gloves and put them on - only to see if I can manage to clasp them together... I did - however - I did not think about how I was going to get out of them considering they were too small anyway.. She had to take a picture of my mishap...



Yes - I have to maintain some sort of craziness to overcome the tedious task of learning the military's way of doing my job - :(o)


As I have tried hard to have this day pass by quickly - since they gave us the day off because we only have one more test and an entire week in which to review for it... They are going to try to drag out a day of instruction over the next 3 days - should be fun! ~sarcasm dripping~ - anyhow... I've tried all my best moves of passing the day away - aka - sleeping in as long as I could, only to wake up and turn a movie on, go to chow, take a nap, watch more movies, nap, order a pizza (only one time a day at the chow hall for me!), now I'm wrapping up emails and getting ready to go to bed early... I need to get home and start organizing things in preparation for this deployment. I'll find out more info when I get home, which is just another reason that I need to get there! I'm excited to get a few things in order and on the right track.

Here's a little video clip - I hope it works. My friend Jenn and her husband Clayton have been watching LJ overnight for me while I've been in Texas. Here is Clayton and LJ playing a little toss n catch! - oh yeah - and notice the good balancing skills and the walking!!!!!

A rough night with accomplishments

As I sit in my room and finish reading some good books my mom gave me for christmas, I can't help but recall over my last couple of weeks. Last night was probably a major accomplishment - even though my roommate got the short end of the stick and couldn't go back to sleep for quite a while. You see, I woke her up in the middle of the night because I was screaming out for someone to help me, over and over - so she says. It took her a while to wake me (which my mom knows this to be quite true! I'm a hard sleeper). However, it wasn't until this morning when she told me about what had happened, that my dream, along with this incident, pieced together and made sense to me. Now what I'm about to share is very special to me, but I feel impressed to write it down and share it with those who love me. So before I get into my dream, let me give a brief background.

You see, I've been really struggling over the past couple of years. I couldn't (and still don't at times) understand how a man could tell me he loved me and then turn and walk away, to say 'I love you' and yet hurt that person so completely that they don't want to continue, and to live a completely diluted life that he's begun to make up lies about the lies he all ready made up. But you know what?! It's not my place to judge him. It is my place, however, to forgive him. I may never be able to forget him - I'm reminded of him each day as I look at my son. I have to take each day, and live it like there is no more tomorrow. How can I accomplish that if I hold onto this pain and hurt that he left me with? I can't - plain and simple. I'm not saying I can just flip a switch and it's all gone. No - but I can make that effort every day to be positive, to cry if I need to, to love like I should, and to be happy like my Father in Heaven intended me to be. I know that more pain and hurt will come, but I can conquer those when they arrive. I've pushed this pain down for far too long. Did I love him? Yes. Do I still love him? No, I don't need to. Do I wish him the best? Yes, because he's a part of my child. I cannot change what he did to me, but I can change how I live my life.

Now without going into things further, for that - you'll have to talk with me one on one :) - so onto my dream.

I was out walking, randomly in a city I did not know. At first I was with a group of friends, some new and some old. But one by one they took different directions as I continued walking in the same path, my path. Until I was walking alone, for the most part - at times friends would come and walk with me for a while then leave again. I got so tired of walking and I didn't know where I needed to go. But I kept going - what else was there to do? This car kept driving by - with some past "demons" who were still taunting me. I tried to outrun this car, but they were always there. I figured if I could ignore them, they would just go away. I thought I could still handle these demons on my own. But you know what? Yeah, you do... :) I can't handle them on my own. It was here in my dream that I was crying for help. I remember it quite distinctively - because it felt like I wasn't being heard and I kept losing my voice. (I'm going to guess that this is when Theresa - my roommate - woke me up and asked if I was all right - cause I don't remember waking up to tell her I was fine) - I felt these amazingly strong arms pull me in tight and held me as this car drove off and didn't turn around this time. It was at this point that I found myself sitting on a rock while watching Jonathan climb back and forth over this fallen tree in the woods - it felt like we were out hiking. I can remember how peaceful and calm it felt just to be out in the wonderful creations that we've been given.

I am loved, and I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father. He has given me all the tools that I need to succeed and to conquer each demon along my path. He had given me ways to handle each situation. We are all individuals and have unique ways of handling our different demons. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful family and friends who love and support me - even when they do not realize just how much I'm struggling. Don't worry - that's not likely going to change - I'm quite independent and am stubborn to think that I can try to handle most things on my own. But I will try harder to allow myself to ask for help, as you are also blessings that He has sent to help me along my way.

What a day.

After being completely lazy with forcing myself to sleep in today (since silly ol' Texas and inability to not handle snow - we didn't have class till 1000), we had quite the catch-up to do in class. My mind was exactly focused on class, as a dear friend of mine was being faced with a human demon today - and I feel helpless not being able to stand by her to face him. But through the power of the priesthood, she was able to remain calm while on the stand and answered the questions thrown at her by the defense and prosecution. I'm so proud of her and the follow through with this horrible situation. (If you don't know, you can ask me privately, I'm not about to throw names and tell her story if she doesn't want me to.) Anyway - while my mind and prayers were on her, I was still able to complete my class assignments and assist others with the practical exercises. One of the best opportunities I've had down here in Texas has been to teach, or help teach, through our practical exercises with those around me. I finish quickly and review things with the instructors. They just shake their head and smile as I get them correct. I've been able to help this amazing woman whom I sit next to. She is quite high ranking on the enlisted side... E8-MSG - and she's just awesome. A former Drill Sergeant! Outstanding!!! Anyway - it's been an awesome experience to help the instructors work one on one with those in the class to help them understand the concepts that we discuss. I may not be learning new things for my job, but I have been learning new people skills to explain the concepts and various areas of pay.

This class may provide me with distractions to make it through the day, and it also allows me to focus on working out my internal struggles. Each day comes, and it eventually goes. My Heavenly Father loves me - and that's the bottom line!

Silly ol' Texas...

Such memories come back to me today as I was released from class directly following lunch and the risk assessment would be reissued tomorrow in regards to class time pending the weather.... What weather you ask? Well...silly ol'Texas cannot seem to handle the 3 inches of snow it has gotten and continues to get. Yup, that's right! 3 INCHES. And even though it is still snowing - they shut down the military installation. So tomorrow, depending on what happens the remainder of the day and through the night, will dictate if/when we go to class tomorrow!





Isn't this snow just awesome! I would have to go all the way to TEXAS to get caught in an awesome snow storm! Too bad I didn't have the proper gear, it's the best kind of snow and completely ready and waiting to be played in!!! We've all ready made snow men... :) Tee hee hee. But I didn't get any pictures of them.

Now back onto my journal-type entry.... My thoughts have been mixed and causing a bit of confusion for me. Which is why I was extremely thankful for unspoken prayers of being released at noon till 1000 tomorrow morning. I took the opportunity to push everything out of my mind and take a much needed nap. And even though I may not have the answers, I may not have my emotions straightened out, I may not be finished digging down deep :) - but I do know this.... I KNOW that my Redeemer lives, and that He loves me. I KNOW that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father, and that I love him. I KNOW that He has all ready paid the price for my sins, and that He hurts as much as I do when I'm in pain. I can feel my Father's arms around me as I cry and work through my anguish. He doesn't want me to hurt any more than I want to deal with it! He hears and answers my prayers. He is ready to take on my burdens, and is waiting for me to simply ask him to do so. By placing my life in His hands, He will give me the peace I seek. I love my Heavenly Father, and I am thankful and blessed to have Him in my life to help guide, direct, love, and protect me - even when I don't ask for help.

Down in Texas

Well, here I am - in Grand Prairie, Texas. Where is that?! Yeah, good question... :) It happens to be between Dallas and Fort Worth. Which is actually a good spot for me, because that means I get to see some family that lives around here! My Aunt Gayle and cousin Connie were able to pick me up at the airport, and I was able to stay the night with Gayle. She dropped me off to this "Grand" ole place before the super bowl madness began... The inprocessing was always the Army's finest - and sooooo enjoyable! Wouldn't expect anything less... But so far so good where the chow hall is concerned. We'll see if that was just a little trick for the first night?!

Tonight I am really missing the relaxation of the end of the day with LJ. Even though he'd be fast asleep by now, I would've had my before bed time snuggles. I haven't seen him since Friday when I dropped him off to Jenn's at his bed time. But I've been told he's eating like a champ! Lucky dog got to eat Johnny Carino's last night!!! That's ok - I had some very delicious homemade lasagna! Don't know if that was planned or not, but I loved it!!! (ps - it's one of my biggest favorite foods!)

I was able to go for a walk after I settled into my room and unpacked. It felt good to just wander around and see where my limits are (which to say, there really aren't that many!) We have a punch code to get in the building - and we have a punch code to even get in the front gate if we choose to leave! Apparently come 6pm, they send the retired old man dressing up to be the gate guard, home for the night :)

Anyway, I took the opportunity to just walk around and get a little exercise before dinner and just enjoy the cool breeze (more of a chilled breeze but oh well). Then came back and read some powerful words that really struck me as I have begun to dig down deep into some pushed down emotions. "There are two basic requirements every soul must fulfill or he cannot attain to the great blessings offered. He must receive the ordinances and he must be faithful, overcoming his weaknesses..." Overcoming weaknesses - now there is a powerful phrase in itself. One weakness of mine is to trust others until they have given me a reason not to - opening my heart to much undue pain. Not to say that I need to close myself off more, however, I need to protect myself more, along with protecting my son. And one of the grandest blessings of all - my son CHOSE me as his mother. He must've seen something I've neglected to see, but have no fear.... I will do what I need to in order to be my best.

A month away....

Tomorrow ( Saturday, 6 Feb, 2010) I will be heading down to Grand Prairie, Texas and I will be down there for training for 4 weeks. Yup, that's right - the Army sends me off to check a box and "train" me for the job I've been doing daily for the past 5 years. Make sense to you? Oh well - at least it will help pay the bills!!!

The time in Texas will be time of acceptance and anguish as I finally allow the emotions I've suppressed for the past couple of years to surface. I will deal with the pain of my husband leaving me pregnant. I've kept that buried for long enough and I need to allow the emotions to rise and essentially - get out of me. Kick, scream, holler, cry, run.... and let it all go. I'm tired of feeling how I have been and I am ready for a change. Not to say that it is going to be a fix-all while I'm down in Texas, but it will give me the time I need to handle these internal issues and come home ready to hit the ground running. I know while I am gone that my wonderful and beautiful son will be completely taken care of between Hollie, Jennifer and her family, and my amazing parents. I have been blessed for all these wonderful people in my life and able to help me when I am sent other places for training. I thank you - and am very happy that my son loves you as well!



So if you do not see me over the next month - no... I have not gone inactive - well - not yet anyway :) I will be back in March. And hopefully before then I will know if I have bought my first house yet!!!!